i was born a porn star she said
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
