i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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