i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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