I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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