I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
