i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
the raccoons are back...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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