A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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