i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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