Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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