Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
