i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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