Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
