she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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