piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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