I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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