I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
