One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
