I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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