I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
