If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
