I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
