you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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