mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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