Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
there is glitter all over my balls
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
