i will never coherently bang her
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
