You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
