We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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