so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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