I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
