We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
