you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
