The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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