Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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