This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize