The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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