i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
