I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
