I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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