I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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