So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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