i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The Olympian is in my bed
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
