Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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