Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
