Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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