Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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