the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's shark week go big or go home
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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