i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
