it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I don't deserve a penis
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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