We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
