i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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