I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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