Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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