he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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