Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
