wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
