dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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