My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
