I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
