"it" just moved
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
