I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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